On foreshadowing.

January 16, 2019

I took this photo before work yesterday hoping that it would make me feel better.

Since Friday of last week, I have been struggling with intense feelings of depression and acute anxiety that have persisted for the past five days. These mental states, for me, are most present as a deep feeling of loneliness, loss of control, overwhelm, and painful self-loathing. They make me feel worthless and drain me of hope.

It’s never easy to say where this comes from — I had been feeling pretty fantastic the week before. It could have been the culminating pressure from working in a space where productivity rules all and empathy is an after thought. Or the complex feelings from my first time back in a rock climbing gym, realizing that my body doesn’t perform the way it used to. It could be the powerful unease and dysphoria that travelling for business surfaces, knowing that I will have to be meticulously mindful of how I perform my gender in an unfamiliar place and in stressful situations such as TSA screenings or shared accommodations with strangers. Maybe I just haven’t recovered from the pain of facing my extended family for the first time since coming out.

The things that seem to relieve these ills, for me, are deep breathing, grounding, meditation, and connection with those whom I love and care about. It’s unfortunate that today most of our access to the latter is through digital means like Instagram, where you are constantly bombarded by smiling faces, “glow up challenges” — and in my case — transition success stories. Somewhere deep down, I know that every picture I see or post I read is just a snapshot of life that hides the same challenging instances we all encounter, but in the moment it’s nearly impossible to resolve the constant positivity you consume with what your brain can be screaming at you.

I write this as a reminder to myself that it is okay to walk slow under the weight of the world, and to ask others to help you carry it from time to time. If anything, modern vulnerability is a true Herculean feat.