On riding the waves.

February 9, 2020

Just keep on coasting through this California dream.

I feel like I’m finally on the road to stability after week upon week of exhausting up and down mood cycles. Riding the waves of a mental illness is akin to riding a motorcycle in heavy traffic: you’re constantly on the lookout for obstacles and dangerous situations; shifting gears up and down to stop and go, worried that one wrong move might trigger a disaster. But by taking things slow, breathing deeply, and practicing often, you can almost always make it home safely.

I’ve been more or less sober since my diagnosis, have cut out the majority of added sugar in my diet, made regular meditation and exercise a part of my daily routine, and have built a concrete support network of friends and family who are there to catch me when things get too steep. And after all of this, I still needed a bit of extra help in the form of a mood stabilizer.

As someone who has spoken openly about her mental health for years, taking that first pill was incredibly daunting. I have a mountain of internalized stigma to work through, and the job never seems to be done. But I can finally feel a calmness beginning to settle inside of me that gives me hope for the future.

Fortitude and resilience are houses built brick by brick, and there is never shame in asking for help.