On suffering.

May 11, 2023

It’s not everyday that you get to spend an hour with a transgender Buddhist nun in her temple.

All living beings swim in the sea of saṃsāra; or the continuous cycle of birth, death, and rebirth (metempsychosis); seeking release (moksha) from the bonds of past deeds (karma) in pursuit of a final state of enlightenment (nirvana). I think of transness like a simultaneous second spin around the wheel in between the spokes of birth and death. I wonder if everyone experiences this on the path to enlightenment, and if so, whether it means that I am approaching nirvana.

The other central tenant of Buddhism is the idea of perpetual suffering. Suffering is what keeps humans from reaching enlightenment, and alleviating it is at the core of Buddhist practice. At one point during our visit, I tearfully asked the chief nun Soshuku Shibatani if Buddhism teaches anything that could help ease the suffering of being transgender in this horrifying moment in time. Translated by my new friend @kumy_yolo_traveller, she said that as a group of people who know suffering intimately, focusing on doing frequent and intentional deeds is the best way to create good karma and lead us closer to enlightenment. That by alleviating the suffering of others, we too can alleviate our own. She specifically named that they don’t have to be grand or exaggerated deeds, but little kindnesses that help people on a microscopic level.

I’ve struggled for a number of months since I decided to stop doing public advocacy work around trans rights, and every day has been exponentially more painful as the onslaught against our humanity has continued. Today was a beautiful reminder that I can still make a difference behind the scenes, whether it’s through a smile to another trans person in public, sending $10 to someone’s top surgery fundraiser, or opening my home to my community when they need a space to feel safe and cared for.

I used to dream about being reincarnated as a cis woman. Today, I would choose to be trans every time. My greatest hope is that my next lap around the wheel brings me back with a more expansive, non-binary understanding of gender, so I’ll be one step closer to breaking free.