On suicidal mania.

January 28, 2022

Take a deep breath.

I haven’t been okay for months. I suffered a mental breakdown and a massive relapse of my bipolar disorder late last year, and the ensuing persistent manic episode detonated my life like an atomic bomb. I hurt many, many people I love. I burned bridges with some of my closest friends. I had to leave work and rely on disability to keep me afloat. I moved multiple times in one month, couch surfing and spending thousands of dollars from my savings in the process. Recently, I tried to take my own life, and failed to do so only because I had other bipolar people around me who recognized what was happening and caught my fall.

The next morning after my attempt, I woke up and had a final round job interview at 9am. The following day, I had another 8 hours of interviews for a different role. I went in for surgery on Wednesday, and by Friday I had negotiated and accepted the better of the two offers I received the day before.

From the outside looking in, a stable person would be none the wiser to my suffering. They would see a cheerful, energetic, and extremely charismatic person. The manic end of the bipolar see-saw is incredibly misunderstood and misrepresented. In the media, mania is portrayed like rabies; causing people to froth at the mouth and lose touch with reality. And at it’s worst, it most definitely can be like that, but for many folks it manifests like an unlimited IV drip of the best coffee you’ve ever had. It’s chemical confidence and pure energy, and by its nature, it makes you resist the call for treatment and stability. Unchecked though, it is a wrecking ball and a harbinger of destruction. For how high you climb, there is inevitably a crash that follows. Nothing in life is free.

I write this message to proclaim that I am alive. This is a plea to the neurotypical people who are still in my life to take pause and consider educating yourselves about mental illness. Ask questions about your loved ones’ experiences. Build compassion and empathy in your heart, and find the grace to forgive those who harm you from this place of instability.

We are all just trying to survive.