On the light in your eyes.

March 26, 2019

Same same, but so very different.

Early on in my journey, my friend Olive shared something pretty impactful with me. After reconnecting and swapping our coming out stories, she told me to go back to my old photos and take a hard look into my eyes. Even in moments with big smiles and happy memories, it’s clear that you can see the dullness and weight of burden that my soul was lugging around.

Last night, my therapist and I were discussing my fight with the beast that I now know as dysphoria. It became obvious to me through our conversation how immense the well of emotional energy was that I had to wield to keep it at bay on a daily basis. It was so omnipresent that it became a subconscious war of attrition between my mind and my body. For those who don’t have a point of reference for dysphoria, consider that there wasn’t a single day since puberty where I didn’t obsess over the concept of gender during my waking hours at least once. In the minor swells, it could show up as a subtle observation in passing of someone’s outfit or speech. But during the tidal waves, I’d be so anxious and distraught that even being in the proximity of a feminine person was sometimes too much to bear. On the bus, in class, at concerts, in intimate moments — my inner voice was trapped in simultaneous ruminations of envious adoration and grief of what could be but never would.

As those feelings lessen in intensity each week, I’ve been reflecting on what I’m using my newly freed emotional reservoir for. I’ve been holding much more space for those I love, checking in and sharing support and vulnerability. I’ve slowed down my addiction to success and ego, trying my best to find true, intrinsic meaning in the things I fill my days with. I’ve strengthened my connection to my family, my city, music, my body. I actually smiled at my reflection in the mirror this morning. I am alive.

I set an intention on Saturday to celebrate the tiny, incremental moments of progress I have made and will continue to do so. I hope you can as well, in whatever way means most.